I ran 8.5km today.

Believe it.

Should've known better.

I feel it again. That nagging threat of paranoia from certain needs, wants and deprivation. But of course, it comes together with dependence and vulnerability, both of which are prices I can't afford. As much as I feel like embracing that one possibility, I want to run away and hide, too.

I'm having another episode. I just need a stronger dose.


Mentos. SP. Bus. Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. Coke. Mentos. Sushi. EZ-link Card. L4D. Land of The Lost. Laughter. Coke. Mentos. Bus. Train. Home.
Period. Skipped training. Feel bad. Stoned. Stoning.

I don't do so well under this sun.

I used to say I don't do so well when I'm alone (still very true), but now it's the Sun that I'm more worried about. Training seems to be a blur with it and I can't seem to focus. Sucks.

Anyway, I seemingly have more love for the night now. It used to annoy me how I just want to go home early everytime I'm out, and then again, I don't mind trading it for sleep. Now? I go running at 1 in the morning (or night, whichever you prefer) and it's fun. A slight reminder: I abhor running. I just feel like going out at a weird time these days.
Was supposed to go running at 12am with my brother yesterday but he backed out last minute. Chest pains. The first night we ran, I was all 'I will only run with my brother.' I'd gladly take back that sentence now.

I would love to go run tonight as my brother had promised me to, but the blisters on my sole are screaming in protest. Even now when I'm sitting, yes.


And I'm sleepless, don't judge me.

Part two hundred and thirty-five: I can't commit.

I still remember the pain. The hollow and empty feeling in my chest that just about ate me up last year. To go through that again.. would be hell. After all that, I'm aware of how much damage one can do to another emotionally. And yet I still repeated the mistake shortly after. I'm very sorry, A. But ah, at least our short and sweet time together numbed that goddamn feeling. Short, yes, but long enough for me to realize how pathetic I was.
A sentence to sum it all up: Karma bit me back, hard.

Which brings us back to why I can't commit. I know that I suck. Well, pretty much. But the fear of getting hurt, the fear of watching my entire life crumble in front of me and not being able to do anything is just..
And it was me who set off the chain of events, which makes it all just suck much more. (Took me eons to admit this.)


I would love to say more, but things would get a tad too personal if I say anything else. I certainly do hope that explaining it this way would help you understand better.

You'll always be that friend, for me.



There're not enough hours in a day, and I can't seem to catch up with time.
Sucked for training today. The sun killed and it's just wondrous how the world spinned at an alarming rate for me and me only. How weak.

I've Missed You.

How long has it been since I've truly wanted you to be here, and when was the last time I was not irritated by your presence? I'm glad we're both past that now.. really.


I like Malaysia, without all the unrest. Went there with my parents yesterday and I came to a realization that I really need to be more appreciative of the people around me. The world is a much better place when you smile the days away. Nearly lost my temper once (only!!) throughout the entire day, but I managed to rein it in, by telling myself that I shouldn't spoil their day for the littlest of things. It was then that I realise that I'm the one who was building all the tension up for nothing.

One question that has been bothering me for long.. When there's no trace of smile on my face, do I look like I'm about to holler at someone?


Another thing.. I really really really forgot that we had lessons today, and I woke up only after Li-Yi called my old number (which LMZ is using now) and LMZ burst into my room to tell me that my friend(s) had called quite a number of times. My phone's on nightmode as my sister is sleeping with me for these few days and I'd hate it if my phone should wake her up. My sister is VERY good at kicking people's ass, and I'm not joking.
Caught Monsters VS. Aliens after school and it's a funny show. Totally no storyline but I must say that though negligible, the feeble attempt in showing the usual "friends forever, I'll be there for you" had worked. In short, a good movie for kids. Had a good laugh with Nadia, Liyana and Clarence though.
AND I SIMPLY ADORE BOB. Aww that cute thing without brains. And of course, not forgetting Gello, the jelly that has 14(!?!??!) pineapple chunks in it.