What will I do without you?

The love of my life woke me up today, for homecoming. While I was bathing, I texted him to ask where is he at, since he sounded too 'awake'. He told me he woke up to vomit (since he's sick) and I believed him. Too tired to think anymore anyway.
When I left my house, 10 minutes before reporting time, he was right there. His voice greeted me when I stepped out of the lift. So warm. Should've just ran to him and hugged him, no?
But me being me, and still hurting from yesterday's realization, just smiled and asked him to hurry. He bought Coke for me at the shop and we cabbed to school. Some very awkward silence filled the cab since I didn't really want to talk and I guess he didn't know if he should speak to me?

Reached school anyway.


Right when everything else was blur, be it the game, the pain, the tedium, or whatnot, he was the only one who remained in focus throughout. He, who regardless of the cough he has, the game he had later, that nagging dreariness he'd feel from waking up so early in the morning to cab to my area, came. He came.
He stood by me, taught me how to do volley when I could almost kick myself in the face in frustration for not knowing how to do it no matter how many times I tried, and encouraged me throughout when I played as the last man.
Know how hard it struck me?


I could fall and never stand up, without you.

“I spent a lot of time being miserable. It’s like misery is an old friend. And it tricks you sometimes into thinking that it’s just always gonna be there and that you can’t be happy. But you can; you can walk away from pain. And I think being in love’s the best way to do it.”

- Peyton Sawyer

I don't feel too good saying out all that I have/want to say on the net these days. But I think this particular phrase, which a person I once knew used, would sum up everything.


I fail life.

Seventh.

Today's our seventh month. Went over to his house at about 10pm to bai nian. Why such an unearthly timing mm? Was supposed to go to YB's house to bai nian first, but it was getting late, so I went to meet hun straight. Got to meet his mom at last :)

Went to Clarke Quay and we sneaked into this place to lepak for a while. Then to Starbucks, and I bought my first cup of coffee in my entire life (Y)
I abhor coffee (and the only one that I drink is the one which my uncle makes). But I've no idea why have I been having this crazy urge to get one for the past month. At least it tasted as good as I expected it to be.

Walked around a bit and we spent crazy moments together. Hahaha. Cabbed and I reached home at 4am or so.
Hun's coming over now. Foooooooooooooooooooooooooooood.


For all the things we swore we meant. Happy 7 months, I love you.

So I've a red iPhone now.

Got it yesternight. And I skinned it red. Sad to say my brand new casing scratched off some of the skin.. But ya, it's new. Heehee.


Had the CNY celebration in school yesterday. Went to town to shop with Ben, Cordy, Eunice and Syahirah. Didn't get anything. Hun came to find us over at 313 and we went to City Hall for his game.
Dabao-ed Chippy's and we went over to PS to meet Howge. Exchanged my phone there and Howge got his. Sent hun home before making our way over to Aunt's house to get the TV before reaching home at 12mn or so. Speak of tedium.


Can't wait to meet hun later. Midnight movie with him and my siblings! (Y)

Careful

I settle down a twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile, well, you would have never known
I had it all, but not what I wanted
'Cause hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown

You'd make your way in
I'd resist you just like this
You can't tell me to feel
The truth never set me free
So I did it myself

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out a little more
More, more, more, more

Open your eyes like I open mine
It's only the real world, life you will never know
Shifting your way to throw off the pain
Well, you can ignore it, but only for so long

You look like I did
You resist me just like this
You can't tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering
How it felt to shut down

Can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out a little more
More, more, more, more

The truth never set me free
The truth never set me free
The truth never set me free
So I'll do it myself

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach out

Can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
You won't come any closer
You've got to reach out more
More, more, more, more

And did I forget to mention?

I really do need some time off.

Coward.

To say I played badly for yesterday's game would be an understatement. Everybody was working so hard.. and I didn't even contribute much.
The aftermath of the game was worse. I felt so guilty I did not even know what to say to anybody. Felt so tired. Not from the game. Just so tired of myself. I'm sorry, team.
Didn't go and repair my phone so I could hear what coach had to say. Then I came home with the boyfriend. He came all the way over to watch my game and I snapped at him. I knew better than to do that. But I did. I'm sorry, hun.


So I didn't go to school today. Cause I'm ashamed of myself. Yes, I really am. I wouldn't be able to come up with anything to say to the team first thing in the morning and the thought of seeing them just.. terrifies me.
There's even Physics practical today, and I chose to give it a miss. Any idea how bad..?
Best thing is I chose to skip school and training cause of this. There can never be a better title for this post other than the word 'coward'. If I could bold it and make it fill up the whole of this space, I would.

Chinese New Year's just around the corner and I haven't got any clothes yet. Speak of fml. Hahaha.


Life's been a major bitch. And it's my own damned fault. This post is full of im-sorry(s) but seriously, I've no other way of saying it better, and I've no idea what else is there to say.

Now's not the time to feel vulnerable. Walls up again, mm?

Gold or what?

All it took was a strong wind, and a cloth to turn my iPhone gold. Tmbg even said that it would make a good fml. I agree.

In the past week,

we broke up, we patched.

Well, just to update the world.


And yesterday was awesome. We both had tournaments. His team got first and his medal is sitting on my table now, while mine got into semi-finals. Not bad for a first tournament.
Was feeling messed up for the morning, then coach told me off. Should've known better mm. So I texted him and gave him the choice. Played relatively better cause it was one hell of a relief. Could almost feel the weight from my heart being removed. Sorry, team, for playing like shit for the first two games. It'll be the last of its kind, swear. Xoxo.


I'm damn hungry now. Need two cows. Bye.

Hi. You just bruised my ego.

And I believe we all know that that's the last thing you should do.

"What do you want me to say? Yes! You’re right! We’re just one big walking disaster. And yeah, my life would probably be a whole hell of a lot easier if I just walked out that door right now. I know that. But the thing is, I already know that there’s not one fucking thing on the other side of that door could ever come close to making me as happy as I am when I’m with you. That’s why I’m here, because I love you. No matter how hard things get, no matter what shit life throws at us, there’s no where else I’d rather be. I want to spend the rest of my life right here, right next to you."

- eletheowl

Trust.

"If I could explain love in one word, it would have to be trust. 
Trust that he doesn’t cheat on you, trust that he doesn’t lie to
 you, trust that he really likes you, trust that he will always be
 there for you, trust that he can go to a party and not get high 
or drunk, trust that you don’t have to worry about him breaking 
up with you the second you wake up, trust that he will stick up 
for you, trust that he will never fall in love with another girl,
 trust that he won’t just get sick of you, and trust that he
 wants you like you want him."

- eletheowl

After so long, Coke remains as my only salvation.

Know why?

Know why did I deactivate my facebook? Because that's where you find out all the shit you don't want to know. Because when I deactivate it, it's either you take DAYS to tell me what did you do, or my friends take DAYS to tell me what they are notified of.
I always take a chance with the former, whether or not my facebook's activated, and thanks for disappointing me yet again.


Fuck You.